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Baber,
I am so thankful to our God and creator for our beautiful son. His light, is a reflection of the magic that we are. Conceived in love, on the night of our wedding... What a remarkable gift! Like something from a book or an enchanted story. He clutches to me tight and knows the intense love and care that I feel for him. The best of you and I, he is our witness of existence and being.
The fire within is a pit, indeed. I play in my mind again and again the moment that I lost you. I stand in the same spot in the same room only this time I do everything right. My approach looks nothing like the first time- the only time that you watched. Life is so fragile. I'm a brute.
Three tours of death and kill taught me how to win. It pays to be a winner. What ever it takes. Never get caught. Never tell on yourself... Never trust to another what you must have done right. When in doubt, knock 'em out, Intensity beats extensively. Order, structure, purpose, discipline.
I forget that I'm not from this world but another. I am a broken human with a destroyed spirit telling you how it is. I am adrenaline, anger & fear living in an illusion, trying to hold it all together. I'm cold hard steel. Your a flower.
I've come to my knees, humble and shamed. The Torah's words speak beautifully to my mind. The Bhagiva Gita pours wisdom onto my wounded soul. The Bible's prophet leads me by example. The Qu'ran shows me discipline of character. The Buddha states truth in simple nobility. The code of Tao is shown to me in all the earth.
Praise be to God that we exist! Everyday are choices, each choice has consequences. Order. I deeply regret that I have been out of order. I have been selfish, short sighted and unforgiving. Please know that I accept my immense failures and work daily to be the man that I was created to be. I'll continue to persevere and hope that one day we can be the family unit that we should be. I love you deeply. You are my other half. I need you. We are the balance needed in our sons life. I'll keep reading and praying.
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