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I am still so and hurt. I am an old man, or that is how people see me I am told. I gave my best years to jobs that demanded all my time, and because of it I sacrificed my belief that a career was how people judged a persons achievements. I stand on the other end of a decade of investments of time, of mental focus, and I am only now learning what was far more important. Sorrow, to hold and drink the cup of happiness, and learn that it may never have been mine to obtain. The fontal is no longer in my sight. My words are like dry leaves, on nothing, swept into the distance, as time yellows the view, my hand clutches to the cup that once held life, the on its sides evaporating, leaving streaking glimpses of the content once contained. These letters to one another. They are figments of my delusion. I once held the sight coming near the top of the mountain, and it crashed down, burying with it the proud man who knew no other than to its . I am a shell, the only emotions here are sadness, grief, , fear of what made that moment turn into an abrupt escape, I was a jailer to you. I had no right to ask about your journey, because my key was not to the door you wished opened. I have no laid out now. I am mixed back into one of the massed crowds, looking down again, knowing all too well what it is like to see for a moment someone else that reminds me of you, but having no civil reason to ask for the help to end the gnawing of regret. Do I stop, do I go on, it is a bigger question now than before I met you. Questions, the deft assassins of my mind. The only answer pervading is my failure. The only words my languid mind has wanted to express are my feelings for you. How excited and glorified I felt with the growing commitment to you. It is as if I should not have looked upon you. Because this was all meant to be empty, empty silence, and paradoxiy your figure now stays in my mind. Pictures only. I wished to place myself in those empty parts, not in hindsight, but in the moment, the moments that I saw to come. The hope to hold you never culminated. The knowledge of that loss unbearable. The shared desire to hold and be held just a painful memory of written words not mine to believe related; my willingness to be there not force sustainable to open your heart. No relinquishing the fire of that moment suspended in cantor by the nether of the electronic void. No abstaining from the cut of dread fear growing, growing, after what I foresaw was just a little bit of waiting, waiting; just a little longer for you. Wasn't it that I thought I would meet my friend, my friend whom I thought I might love. There is no filling my cup. The it once held was too robust. Any fluid brought to it would just run down without accumulating, a departure symbolic of meaninglessness after once a vessel held full to the its content. My good hands that knew the way to open the pages, now scurrying across keys so my eyes can see the same unchanged page. I have no reason to look again. Yet to it I resume my vigilance. Hope for the cup filled springs eternal. My mind does not the road that ends, harried, my soul has aged
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I wish you knew how sorry I am. I wish I could show you the suffering my careless choices with your heart has caused me. I wish you could see into my heart and know it breaks for you. I wish this because then maybe you could know that I never wanted this pain for you. I only wanted to make you happy. The opposite is what occurred and I hate myself for it everyday. A wise book we both read says we are all humans and no man should have to crawl to make amends. But I will. I will crawl before you the rest of my life if it meant you could feel peace. That you could have joy. I stole your first love and turned it into heart break. That's an evil thing to do. I was a blind thief... A thief nonetheless. I know I cannot be your friend and I know I can never truly make amends, for to do so would open a wound you need closed. But I will spend my days longing to see the hurt I caused you healed. I will work hard to be the woman I should of been for you. I know you don't believe this, but because of you I will never hurt a man this way again. I will never steal a heart. I took yours with no ability to protect it and it was wrong of me. I will never do that to anyone again. You are my last great love. I deserve no others and I will instead give my love to the service to our fellowship. I will never trust myself to fall in love ever again with another man. Those days are done for me. And that's ok. Because for me I need the penance of giving my love to service. It is what makes me real and worthy. Thank you for being my last love and for giving to me the steps I needed to grow and change and be of help where fate sees fit. I know I may look happy to you and I may smile and laugh but please know that inside I will always hurt for what I did. And when I see you and I don't look your way it's not ill feelings towards you, but respect for you and the space you need to be free of me. In my heart all I ever want is to look you in the eye and smile at your beautiful face and hug you hard and tell you how it's all going to be ok. I won't do that because for me to actively love you is to hurt you. But inside I will always love you. No matter what. I look away when I see you because I love you that much. I owe you my silence so you an be free.
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