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I'm extremely lonely and as a consequence severely depressed. I keep on getting rejected EVERYwhere because girls/women I'm attracted to don't find my face attractive. I'm also more and more getting rejected over my age. I'm freaking out, panicking. I can't change my face. I can't force anybody to be attracted to me. I can't force myself to be attracted to overweight girls/women (being overweight is a choice for most people). I can't make myself not need romantic attention (doesn't mean I'm needy). I'm so fucking hopeless but I keep on trying, always with the same or similar outcome. Unlike what some of you are thinking now, counseling or therapy is NOT the answer, the same with medication. You wouldn't suggest that kind of help to somebody who's starving, dehydrating or sleep deprived, would you? I just need a basic human need met. I was at a low about three years ago after yet another rejection and it dawned on me that my parents are to blame for my misery. They are responsible for how I look. I haven't talked to them since that day. Pretty much the only thing that makes me feel better when I'm yet again getting rejected is realizing just how long it's been since my parents have heard from me. Dating is only fun when you're good looking. You can only live life to the fullest when you're good looking. Life's simply only truly good when you're good looking. In response to an e-mail I received: The women that don't find me attractive aren't shallow or immature. Physical attraction is a must for a romantic or sexual relationship. The greatest personality doesn't make up for lack of it.
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I you in front of a screen, reading the words I expel from my old soul finger tips. Hands which caress the keys with an unspoken unboundedness. Swiftly, I write to you, in a mental image of , an imagination that trips upon itself wondering for whom such a missive might ring true. I write a maze inside these words, hoping to capture a piece of your own imagination, and in so doing, I only hopelessly fall again, in love with an idea etched in younger years. A hope to trap a ghost inside, bind them to this part or that, to imprison them, and keep them from their usual haunts that lay my heart asunder, and appear in the eyes of others. These thoughts, they're founded upon my watchfulness, my ever present stare, my observations of the world around me; their basis is on my unwillingness to intervene, to steer the course of the minutiae of the myriad of interactions that take place in the world around me. As the flow courses through the maze, I stand stubbornly against the wall, lest the tides me out into the uncharted waters. If I did step forward, cast myself into this stream, like the subconsciousness that these moments bring me, I'm unsure of the very ground beneath my feet, unsure of the processes themselves, and unsure that I could ever be enough to catch you, or myself, from falling. If I cast myself into the raging rivers, then I lose the only advantage I had ever had, and that was the time it takes to really understand an idea, a situation, a enigma. So forgive me for ever staring too long, or searching in the most obvious of places, for looking for this confirmation, that sense of knowing without action. I regret it all, but the price I paid to be sure, to better understand the only gift I have in my lonely world, I am still paying. I don't know if my debt will ever be forgiven, if I will ever see the solitude that I seek, but I chose long ago to keep holding on. So I continue to write, in this unobtrusive place, where you may stumble upon this, as it's the last place I will look. Somethings, no matter how much I observe them, will not change, but if I look away, I don't know what I will see.
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