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Inspired poetic spectrum of emotions needing to be expressed has become silence and no humor or desire to speak because the world doesn't know love or romance in its true meaning and without that nothing in the world matters to me. I just don't want to speak especially after what . some best friend . has done as if solely for the purpose of constructing some weird events just to hurt me over some resentment. I am annoyed about my situation. Extremely. Real love loves the more with its flaws than when it was believed . I can't believe how many people don't know that. I think maybe mixing insanities together is why I went insane. Anyways one day it will be a man that likes me better w all my things and doesn't stop loving bc of fear bc of bad things from someone elses's past? I got spoiled w my first love because he wasn't a snob and his love didn't change based on imperfections. You know like how love actually is. I would say that I feel nothing mediocrity empty but that is giving it too much . I don't even know what this is. I just know that pathetic attempts to control by abandoning are just that; and you can't have a monopoly on me by saying you don't want anything to do with me unless you can use me because your little feelings got hurt and at the same time hold me hostage so no one else can. I don't understand people or why they sit in their armchairs talking for years and never do what they say. They analyze other people who actually took actions and feel superior because they never got into such and such situation because they never took a risk or tried to love and they patronize people like me presuming I just take actions with forethought and have no idea actions have consequences. But I heard love is in the actions not the words and you have to live life to take risks to try but always w careful consideration Well I'm tired of all this being imaginary. If only I didn't know what I know and know I have to follow it, this could all be explained away and I could move in a new direction but I know what I know and have to in torturous limbo. One day it will be someone who doesn't decide he needs to change me into some creepy pulse - less smiley doll to "civilize" me. That's so weird. I feel in the awful past and don't want to be above it all but can't get down in it and as soon as things get intense again I'll be upset about that. I'm not like girls that don't want it I just am blocked which is 1000x worse. People who think they are helping by trying to get me accept the disease as normal or ok when it's not ok, instead of helping the healing process, are trying to do some serious damage. I'll never forget 1 it's so so lame how I can't feel inspired I need my muse but I can't. How I feel is there needs to be a new word for lame but even assigning letters to the emotion gives it too much . I don't understand . -nobody
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